I feel like poo

I started getting sick yesterday, its already settleing into my chest. When I cough it feels likes it's being ripped from my chest. I started taking nitequil to try and fight it, boy do I hope it works. I feel like hell and I wish that Matthew were here to cuddle & baby me. Usually when I dont feel well I dont appreciate anyone hovering. This time, with Matthew gone and the fact that I miss him terribly makes me wish that he were here.

depression

I just looked at the calandar and just realized that if I were still pregnant, I wouldn't be for very much longer.
At 13 weeks I started to misscary what I was to soon find out was a fetus that had already died 6 1/2 weeks prior. I couldnt believe that I had in reality not been pregnant for several weeks, and not known. That my body was still expanding to accomodate a child that wasnt growing; a child that we wanted so desperately. The loss crushed me; the doubts haunted my every waking hour and even some of those spent sleeping. I sobbed as I begged to know what it was that I did wrong. I wanted to know what it was that I did that made it so that I killed our baby. Matthew had to hold me while my body wrenched with emotional pain that not even he could sooth. I hated myself; even though I hadn't actually done anything wrong to create the miscariage.
I will never forgive the coulouse behavior of the doctor who treated me in the Balboa ER that night. People who work in the medical field should know you speak with compassion, or to not say anything at all.
I still fight the feeling of depression over it. At first after we lost the first I didnt want to try again for another. In all honesty I was terrified to take the chance of getting pregnant again and possibly loosing it as well. I didn't believe that Matthew wanted a baby so soon. I thought that maybe he only acted like he wanted one because I did, so I said no. Finally Matthew came to me and said that he really wanted to try again, that I wasnt the only one dissapointed in the loss. So we decided to try again, it's been several months . Every month I hope that maybe, just maybe this month is the month that my period doesnt come. Praying that maybe I'm pregnant once more. Every month my peroid comes... every month I want to rage and scream because I've once more failed Matthew. It started to make me moody, and I started unknowingly taking it out on those around me( usually matthew). Soon as I realized last month what was happening, I told matthew that I was through activly trying to get pregnant untill after he comes home from deployment. If by some miracle we're blessed with another pregnancy before he deploys I know we will both be thrilled. But for now I don't want to creat problems in my marriage over something that isn't that big of an issue as of yet.
Matthew and I are coming up on our One year anniversary, we have plenty of time to make babies. As of right now all I care about it creating the strongest bond I can with the Man that I Love.

11 wks pregnant....

So here's the update for week 11.

I'm over emotional, I forget Everything, I cant sleep...and boy-howdy has my husband had to be ever so patient with me! lol I've had two major melt downs in the past week and 1/2, cried at the drop of a hat to boot. =\ I've discovered that besides being weepy and whiny- My notoriously bad temper (that I've had an iron grip on for the past several yrs) has an alarmingly short fuse now. I do try to curb it as much as possible, but I either cry /or freak out when it gets out of hand. I tend to get tired a lot, but not enough to take a nap, so I get cranky. Good news though, my neurologist gave me the all clear for traveling while pregnant and resuming all daily activities.

Next week I have my first real ob/gyn appointment, maybe able to find out what we're having. I can say though that my morning sickness is almost nil; I'm good at staying away from foods that upset my system.

shower shower, baby shower.....

Trying to think of a theme...and how to possibly make it co-ed. I know guys usually dont get real excited at having to be at the showers. But what else do I do? Matthew doesnt know anyone in Roseburg. Maybe my brothers/male friends could be talked into taking him out to play pool/ have a beer.
I have 2 months before invites have to go out. course it'll help when we find out exactly what the gender of the baby is! My friend Tabatha has offerd to help, and I know my grandma will probaby help as well. I'm prey sure matthew's family will want to throw us one as well, but my friends and family cant go4 hrs away!
Ill update more when I have time!

prego hormones...oh joy!

Everyone seems to want me to have a girl.....I hope my nasty temper means that I'm getting it out of my system so she ends up being super sweet. haha. I've already started getting my baby belly, yes this early. I Freaked out yesterday at Balboa on a nurse, I wanted to strangle her. I have no idea why she irritates me so bad, I've had an issue with her before. Matthew found it quite humorouse at how her face turned all red and she started getting flustered.
The whole issue was over how far along I am. If they go by my menstrual cycle it'll give them the wrong info. I tried telling her she needed to go by the date of conception, but she didnt want to listen to me.... thats when I blew a gasket. Most people would say that that's not that big of a deal; but if they think I'm farther along then I am they wont do the test to see if they can determine the baby's gender. Lucky for me her supervisor walked by and heard the commotion so she got it straightened out for me, my ob/gyn appointment is on the 27th.

I'm very lucky that matthew seems to understand that my pissiness isnt personal ( for the most part). The worst of it is that its like word vomit... my brain-2-mouth filter seems to have gone up in smoke! I've been trying very hard to just clamp my mouth shut if I think its coming, but that doesnt always work. Matthew actually doesnt get much of it, I try extra hard with him to not let my mouth run. I know I'm no saint though, and that because I'm worried/stressed, I get snippy with him. We've also started to notice that when I havent eatten in a while/or start to get tired ,I get a bit snarkey.
What am I to do, start yoga? I guess I can try writting more, see if that helps maybe? I miss my friends, my family and I miss having animals around! I cant wait till we're in our own place so I'll have more to do. I'm still uncomfortable here to a point, so I tend to stay in our room. Cabin fever is a big factor in my mood, Matthew tries to help by taking me out couple times a week. The days that I get to walk the beach I seem to be more relaxed, but I dont have a key and the guys have to lock up when they leave (and I dont want to get locked out) so I dont get to go everyday.

house hunting..to be, or not to be...

So matthew and I have been doing some house hunting. It is not as easy as one would think. Yesterday we were out and about and came acossed this house...omg we fell in love! It's an older house, and everythings pretty close to original from when it was built. The property will need some help getting back to its former glory(as I call it). its all a brick/barn red color with white trim. The house really does remind me of a house we'd find back home...possibly in the country,lol. The house has a garage/shop with a gardening area and kind of a covered patio area that would be perfect for bbqing! The house is 3 bedrooms 1 1/2 bath, has a fireplace as well. All aplliances really need to be updated (which according to the management company is why no one's wanted it). http://sandiego.craigslist.org/ssd/apa/1671779333.html
The rent amount is way out of our budget as it is...but I asked the agent to see if we couldnt try negotiating with the owner. Since the owner is back east we'll have to wait till they can contact her. I've asked the agent to see if the owner would possibly concider giving us a discount on the fact that Matthew is in the navy & that we want to do at least a yr long lease instead of month-to-month.
I'm going to have to do some fancy foot work as far as the finances are concerned but I'm determined to make it work if they give us the green light. So we're keeping our fingers crossed and saying some mighty big prayers! As much as I want this house I know it's no longer in my hands. we've looked at other places, and if need be we can settle for something else.

honeymoon's over

I know my husband is used to dealing with things, or not dealing with things I should say. As I've come to find out both his mother and grandmother were right, he has no sense when it comes to finances. Money is definately one of the things that I stress out about, I'm a penny pincher most of the time. Now Matthew and I both grew up without money, but we seem to have different out looks on it. He seems to be like my brother andy and spends it kinda willy-nilly. I will admit that if I dont have a purpouse for the extra $ that I have I will spending it (mostly on other ppl). But now that we need a place of our own and we have a baby coming I need money to be staying IN the bank. And this is all kind of put me in a position that I really dont like. I am not working, so all the money being brought in is by Matt. I hate it that I have to take over his money and not let him touch it. I know I should be thinking of it as our money, but that's still really new to me. I cant let anything slide anymore because we Are expecting a baby in 7 months. I'm not the kind of person that cares if I live in a huge house, or strives to own a new car- I'm very content living modestly. I do however take issue with having to stress out wether or not our bills are going to get paid on time, it makes me irritable! And with my pregnant hormones all out of wack anyways , if I'm not happy no one is! lol I already told matthew I am going to be taking over control of finances. That the main reason I am doing so is that I dont handle stress well, and I cant afford loosing our baby over something as trivial as this.
The state of Oregon is finally getting thier heads out of thier rears -and sending my paperwork so I can bill them for the care I did when I was still living there. I'll be really glad to have that money in MY account back in the burg, mostly that money will go to baby stuff/ maternity clothes. I've decided that by the time the baby's 6 months old I'll start my new daycare down here. It'll help make me feel a little bit better, I've always been very independent and liked having my own money. I know how expensive baby's are, and we're going to need that extra money; even if its just so that we can keep taking trips up to see our families. We'll be able to cut some costs with me breastfeeding/pumping. Now I wish I had listened to my grandma and not basically given away all my baby(daycare) things, now I have to start over.