Wednesday, November 10, 2010

I feel like poo

I started getting sick yesterday, its already settleing into my chest. When I cough it feels likes it's being ripped from my chest. I started taking nitequil to try and fight it, boy do I hope it works. I feel like hell and I wish that Matthew were here to cuddle & baby me. Usually when I dont feel well I dont appreciate anyone hovering. This time, with Matthew gone and the fact that I miss him terribly makes me wish that he were here.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

depression

I just looked at the calandar and just realized that if I were still pregnant, I wouldn't be for very much longer.
At 13 weeks I started to misscary what I was to soon find out was a fetus that had already died 6 1/2 weeks prior. I couldnt believe that I had in reality not been pregnant for several weeks, and not known. That my body was still expanding to accomodate a child that wasnt growing; a child that we wanted so desperately. The loss crushed me; the doubts haunted my every waking hour and even some of those spent sleeping. I sobbed as I begged to know what it was that I did wrong. I wanted to know what it was that I did that made it so that I killed our baby. Matthew had to hold me while my body wrenched with emotional pain that not even he could sooth. I hated myself; even though I hadn't actually done anything wrong to create the miscariage.
I will never forgive the coulouse behavior of the doctor who treated me in the Balboa ER that night. People who work in the medical field should know you speak with compassion, or to not say anything at all.
I still fight the feeling of depression over it. At first after we lost the first I didnt want to try again for another. In all honesty I was terrified to take the chance of getting pregnant again and possibly loosing it as well. I didn't believe that Matthew wanted a baby so soon. I thought that maybe he only acted like he wanted one because I did, so I said no. Finally Matthew came to me and said that he really wanted to try again, that I wasnt the only one dissapointed in the loss. So we decided to try again, it's been several months . Every month I hope that maybe, just maybe this month is the month that my period doesnt come. Praying that maybe I'm pregnant once more. Every month my peroid comes... every month I want to rage and scream because I've once more failed Matthew. It started to make me moody, and I started unknowingly taking it out on those around me( usually matthew). Soon as I realized last month what was happening, I told matthew that I was through activly trying to get pregnant untill after he comes home from deployment. If by some miracle we're blessed with another pregnancy before he deploys I know we will both be thrilled. But for now I don't want to creat problems in my marriage over something that isn't that big of an issue as of yet.
Matthew and I are coming up on our One year anniversary, we have plenty of time to make babies. As of right now all I care about it creating the strongest bond I can with the Man that I Love.

Psalm for the Day